A Creature of Habit
by Apex Aoristos
Summary: Part One of a series of spoofs featuring the mysterious hobbit Bilbo.


Creature of Habit

_That was the situation when the real dragon turned up again. The giant was largely to blame. After his adventure he used to go about the mountains visiting his scattered relations more than had been his custom, and much more than they liked. For he was always trying to borrow a large copper pot. But whether he got the loan of one or not, he would sit and talk in his long-winded lumbering fashion about the excellent country far away East, and all the wonders of the Wide World. He had got it into his head that he was a great and daring traveler.'_

**_What was 'the situation' when the real dragon turned up again? Why was the giant largely to blame? What adventure had he had? Why did he change his custom and visit his relatives more frequently? Why were they not pleased about this? Why was he always trying to borrow a large copper pot? Why did he go on about the excellent country far away east? Why did he believe himself to be a great and daring traveler?_**__

**===**

**Bilbo Baggins **was a creature of **habit. **He in**habit**ed a house in **Habit**ton, reminded certain friends of a bunny r**ha**b**bit**, and had so many knick-knacks that all you had to do was mention an item and he was sure to **hab it. **In fact, he was the sort of small, shy, retiring creature we call a **habit **(hobbit).

However, one day something happened that was entirely out of sync with Bilbo's schedule. He heard a sharp rap at his door, and in stepped a bent old man--- the wizard Gandalf. He visited a while, and left. Bilbo was happy to settle back into his habits.

NOT QUITE, however. The next day, 13 Dwarves found their way into Bilbo's home, fully intending to recruit him as a Burglar. This was highly singular; Bilbo refused. However, they persuaded him to accompany them in the end.

Think you know the rest of the story?

**Think again.**

There are probably a few adventures you missed. I'm here to inform you about the parts we **all **glossed over...

**Part One. Concerning Ents and their Drinks**

Bilbo was nodding off to sleep in the woods within the Shire, thinking that adventures are, after all, not so bad. Suddenly, to his intense surprise, he saw a **tree** hurrying past. As it drew level with him, it drew a watch out of its coat- (or its bark-) pocket and exclaimed, **"Oh dearie me! I'm late!"**

Bilbo sprang up, curious. "Mr. Tree!" he called out. No answer; the tree, instead of replying, **dove **down crown-first **into a rabbit warren and disappeared**. Bilbo trotted after it.

He poked his head into the hole. "Hello---" he called out. Nothing. The hole seemed very deep, judging from the echoes. Bilbo suddenly began to feel nauseous. So much, in fact, that **he fell into the hole**.

Down, down, down he fell, his cloak billowing up around him like a balloon. He fell for the longest time, and saw a lot of things floating up past him: tables, chairs, an **oven mitt**, a bottle of **cold tablets**, a plate of **fish and chips**, and a pair of inky **pompoms**. At length, however, he plopped down softly onto a pile of hay at the bottom, just in time to catch a glimpse of the tree **scurrying around a corner**. Bilbo hurried after it, wondering all the time where in the world _this _blasted adventure was taking him.

Then he spotted a leaf that had apparently fallen from the tree as it ran. He turned it over and saw a vial of clear liquid. Feeling thirsty all of a sudden, Bilbo drank the vial's contents--- and drew back in surprise as he felt himself growing. **"Good-bye, feet!" **he sobbed morosely, as his curly-haired and much-beloved feet stretched out of reach.

Our dear habit, I'm sorry, hobbit, was now a **giant**.

Bilbo made it out of the hole in time for second breakfast; the Dwarves didn't notice his apparent change in **vertical superiority** (although they would **look up to him **someday!). Gandalf _did_ notice, but being an ornery, inscrutable wizard, kept silent.

**Part Two. The Situation**

Bilbo chewed his lower lip, fingering the ring he'd picked up in a dark, smelly cave. Its previous owner, an odd creature named **Gollum**, had tried to eat Bilbo, but he had escaped. Now he was trying to avoid a similar fate: being eaten by a dragon. **Smaug**, in fact.

_Smaug is dead, _he suddenly realized. _Bard shot him. But the Dwarves might eat me instead--- Thorin is adamant about not leaving the treasure, and we've hardly any food left._

Then he thought of the **Arkenstone** hidden way under his spare **underwear**. _Bard could trade that with Thorin for a share of the treasure, _he thought. _And I can get food. I mean, out._

===

Of course, we know what happened next--- the **Battle of the 5 Armies**, which Bilbo began (sort of) by giving the Arkenstone to Bard. But how much Bilbo did do DURING the battle itself?

===

Bilbo struck with Sting, which glowed fiercely as it dove into Orcish bodies. Suddenly a shadow appeared above Bilbo, and the area around it seemed to drain of any life--- except Bilbo, that is.

A monstrous black dragon thundered down onto the ground, nearly squashing Bilbo with a cruelly clawed foot (Bilbo yelped and squirmed out of the way just in time). The petrified hobbit dropped Sting; however, the dragon, to everyone's surprise except Bilbo (as he was to scared to feel anything except scared) seemed worried about his fear. He extended a claw towards Bilbo. **"Ancalagon the Black," **he said.

"Bilbo Baggins," he squeaked out.

The dragon nodded. "Bilbo," he said, after a while. **"I am" **--- Bilbo shook--- **"Smaug's father." **Bilbo almost fainted.

Ancalagon laughed. "What happened to you?" he asked.

"I thought you were going to say that you were _my_ father." Bilbo replied.

Ancalagon snorted. "That is, **like**, **SOOOOO clichéd**," he said. "I mean, **like, you don't even have a tail**." Then he flushed bright pink, which effectively displayed his hide. It was patterned with **flowers** in rainbow colors. Apparently, Ancalagon the Black wasn't so black after all...

Bilbo snickered. The dragon flushed redder. "I--- I mean----"

Let us close this scene with the curtain of dignity, shall we?

Part Three. Homecoming

At last, however, Bilbo reached his quiet little house in Hobbiton. He (as we all know) arrived in the middle of an auction (of his own stuff!) and had to almost bodily throw out the **Sackville-Bagginses** from his own home. However, they left quickly enough (if not meekly or silently enough) because of his impressive new girth.

Bilbo did not let it rest there, however. **Contrary to his former habits, he took to visiting the SBs regularly **(much to the mutual disgust of both parties involved). You see, he was convinced that they had made off with a particularly fine **copper** _chamber_ **pot** that had previously resided under Bilbo's bed. Hence his pretense of visiting the SBs to "borrow" a pot of the said description; however, he never got his own favorite chamber pot back, nor any other one for that matter.

Bilbo soon decided that the Shire was great--- **but as long as the SBs inhabited it, the Dragon-lands of the East were far, far, FAR better.**

He wrote a book about his adventures as a **great and daring traveler**. And well, why shouldn't he? **He IS one.**

_After all, who else can claim that they had a decent conversation with Smaug's father--- er, mother???_

**The End.**


End file.
